Caveman Controversy
by Red Witch
Summary: The X-Men find out there's another side to the human/mutant debate. This is probably the weirdest crossover ever.


**A car insurance company has repossessed the disclaimer that I don't own anything except crazy ideas. This is a very strange, very weird crossover one shot. Even for me. Just go with the flow and enjoy the ride. **

**Caveman Controversy**

"What are you watching?" Bobby walked into the living room where several X-Men were watching television.

"A news special on species evolution," Hank said. "It promises to be quite fascinating."

"Sounds like fun," Bobby said sarcastically.

"Look at those guys!" Kurt pointed at the television. "They're almost hairier than I am!"

Next to reporter Trish Tilby were four men with long brown hair, caveman features and hair all over their arms. One was wearing a brown suit with glasses. Another looked like a bored prep and the other two looked similar and wore nice sport jackets.

"This is Trish Tilby. Now we all know by now about the existence of mutants and their effect on the world around us. But there are other species of human that have been sharing the planet with us for thousands of years. And have not only managed to coexist peacefully, but contribute to society. I am of course talking about Neanderthals. Or do you prefer to be called…"

"Cavemen is fine," The Professor waved his hand. "It does describe our roots rather well. Although personally I prefer living in one of my two beach houses that over look the ocean."

"Wait, there are actual cavemen still **alive?**" Bobby asked. "It's not just a car insurance thing?"

"To answer your question Bobby yes, there are still remnants of Neanderthals that have not only survived but adapted throughout the centuries," Hank said. "Basically they live and work just like you and me. They have the same skills and mental capacity as normal homo sapiens. It's only their physical appearance that is different. Their facial features and skulls are slightly larger and their body hair is more abundant."

Hank looked at himself and Kurt. "Well more than most people anyway."

"With me now are Professor William Rockport of the University of California in San Diego," Trish introduced the group. "A well respected archeologist as well as genetic scientist. His student Nick Hedge, a graduate student of the university…"

"Hello," The smug looking prep casually waved.

"And his roommates, Joel and Andy Claybrook," Trish finished.

"Yo!" Andy waved cheerfully.

"I still can't believe there are actual cavemen still alive," Jean said. "And we never heard of them!"

"That's because they were able to blend in with society," Hank explained. "Besides the majority of the Caveman population is either in California or New Jersey."

"Okay California I can see them blending in but Jersey?" Rogue asked.

"Have you ever seen a Jersey mobster?" Logan gave her a look. "Trust me, they're out there. It's just a lot of 'em shave every day."

"Let's start, Nick how do you feel as a caveman in this point in history?" Trish asked. "I mean with the emergence of a new human species on the planet. How does that affect you?"

Nick gave her a look. "I dunno Trish, how does it feel knowing you're not at the top of the species chain anymore?"

"Nick…" Joel grumbled.

"Well you gotta admit there is a bit of irony in this situation," Nick smirked. "First you Homo Sapiens take the planet from us, and now…"

"Nick you promised us you wouldn't do this man," Andy groaned.

"What? Seeing Sapiens get a taste of their own medicine?" Nick said.

"You don't have to rub their faces in it man," Andy said.

"Uh Trish as you can imagine the emergence of mutants in society has caused quite a bit of stir in the Caveman community," Professor Rockport said nervously.

"Just what we need, another species of human that thinks they're better than us," Nick grumbled.

"Nick!" Joel snapped. "You still wanna live in my apartment man? Chill!"

"Well you can't blame me for feeling a little miffed over this!" Nick snapped. "It's hard enough for our people to get the recognition we deserve without some new guys blowing in and screwing things up for everyone!"

"Well I think mutants are cool," Andy said. "Okay not the crazy ones who wanna blow everyone up but to see people flying and stuff is pretty neat."

"Neat? You think it's **neat?**" Nick snapped. "Let's see how neat you think it is when someone sics some giant robot on you because of a glitch in its programming!"

"You're exaggerating," Joel said.

"I am not exaggerating," Nick told his friend. "We've already been mistaken for those freaks five times and we've only been in New York for a few hours! I told you we should have booked that hotel in Jersey but noooo…"

"I think I should divert the conversation a little," Professor Rockport interrupted. "What my student is saying is that the Caveman community does have some concerns on how mutants will affect us."

"In other words we don't want to become targets for things another species does!" Nick snapped. "Let's get something clear: Cavemen created fire out of rock, wood and some lucky breaks with lightning bolts. We can't make fire appear out of thin air! No caveman can do that! There is no such thing as a mutant caveman!"

"Be cool if there was one though," Andy grinned.

"I knew this was going to be embarrassing," Joel groaned. "But I came anyway! Why?"

"So to reiterate, if you see someone who looks like _this_: **Not** a mutant!" Nick indicated his face. "Got it? Technically you Sapes already won the race with us! We're not your enemy here."

"Let it go, Nick…" Joel sighed. "And calling the audience by a derogatory term isn't exactly the best way to win them over!"

"Sapes?" Trish blinked.

"Short for Homo Sapiens," Professor Rockport explained. "It's a derogatory term some of our people use."

"Yeah some of us who think every human is a bigoted nut job," Joel gave Nick a look.

"You can't blame me for being nervous! Our people were chased out of our rightful place…" Nick began.

"The only place **you **were ever chased out of was that high school where you tried to be a substitute teacher," Joel snapped. "And that's because you beat up their mascot!"

"It was a negative stereotype of Cavemen!" Nick shouted.

"It was a teenage girl inside," Andy said. "Get a grip dude!"

"Oh I'll get a grip all right…" Nick growled.

"So basically what you are saying is that Cavemen are afraid that they will be mistaken for mutants?" Trish spoke quickly.

"Yeah but it might be harder for some of us than others," Joel gave Nick a look.

"And that Cavemen should be recognized for their small achievements they've made in the world," Trish pressed on.

"You're right, all we ever did was create fire, tools and the wheel," Nick said sarcastically. "You're welcome!"

"It's just that we in the Caveman community sympathize with the Homo Sapien community and it's confusion," Professor Rockport said. "I mean we know what it's like to get replaced as the dominant species…"

"No one said anything about humans being replaced," Trish said.

"Ha!" Nick snorted. "Yeah right! Lady we've seen this before. One day you're happily hanging out in your cave and the next thing you know some new people with less hair and better weapons are moving into your place and taking your stuff. You know you guys were a minority once too ya know? And look what happened there!"

"I was afraid of this…" Xavier winced as he watched the television.

"All I am saying is, you guys better watch your backs," Nick said.

"Come on Nick I'm sure mutants won't do to them what they did to us about a million years ago," Joel said. He started to snicker. "Man even I can't say that with a straight face. You guys are toast."

"Trish, can I say something?" Andy said. "You look, really hot in that dress…"

"And there goes **another** chance to disprove any misconceptions of Caveman kind," Joel groaned.

"What? She's hot," Andy asked.

"Do you have to hit on everything in a skirt?" Joel asked. "You've been doing that since we were kids!"

"Takes after his brother," Nick said.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Joel said. "If this is about my girlfriend…"

"I'm just saying there are plenty of hot cave chicks out there and you choose to go after a girl with almost no body hair!" Nick said. "It's revolting!"

"You are such a bigot," Joel said.

"I am not," Nick said.

"Are too."

"Am too!"

"Are not!"

"Am too times infinity…"

"Are not times infinity plus!"

"So much for the idea of the evolution of intelligent debate…" Hank groaned.

"Could be worse," Bobby shrugged. "They could turn this into a TV show."


End file.
